Short Story - my Colonoscopy - Steve Murphy

Although I dreaded it for the entire 2 months that it was scheduled, and as the day approached, the spontaneous cringe reflex would increase in frequency, my first colonoscopy turned out to be a rewarding life experience. The entire process, from that first taste of "prep" straight on through deflation, was both humbling and emotionally uplifting.

Part 1 - Preparation

For my first cup of prep, I did what the directions told me and I mixed such an such an amount (a third of the bottle I believe) with some other liquid. I mixed it with water and endured the entire glass of diluted prep. For the next dose, my wife told me that I should just drink the prep portion as a shot and chase it with the cold water. It all ends up doing the same thing in the same place anyway. This was a much better way, and I wished that the directions on the bottle were also so bold as to suggest this, so that others would not have to endure the "dilute with water and drink the glass" method. Thank you Karen for that great idea. You should do consulting work at pharmaceutical companies.

Part 2 - Evacuation

I will not describe what went on for the next 36 or so hours. If you have been there, then you can substitute your experience for mine for continuity purposes. If not, use your imagination. This "Colon Prep", in conjunction with not eating one single darn thing, and only being able to drink "clear liquids" for 36 hours, results in the end product (no pun intended) of a totally clean and picturesque colon. This incidentally was the same day I decided that beer was a clear liquid.

Part 3 - Procedure

I arrived and was processed - I found myself lying on my back in a position most often seen in gynecological situations. Even the humiliating yearly "prostate exam" digital rectal probe does not require this position that is most often assumed by females. But there was a TV for me to watch, so that made me feel a little better. I was administered a local, yet quite consciousness invasive anesthetic, and I was feeling no pain as the "anal probe" was put into use. I thought that perhaps the TV was for playing "Days of our Lives" considering the position I was in, but behold, up on the television was a part of me that I had never seen before. My squeaky clean shiny colon, basking in it's glory. Although I swear I'd never seen the inside of my colon before today, it was oddly familiar, and it was gnawing at my memory, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

The Doctor and his assistant kept me abreast of what was going on (kind of like a pilot and co-pilot on a passenger flight... "if you look over your left shoulder, you'll see the duodenum"). Although I couldn't understand why, I was experiencing logical thought. Even tough I was all doped up and there was a camera up my ass, I was able to carry on coherent conversation;

Doc: "Okay - I am approaching a corner - you might feel a little pressure."
Me: "Doc, the only thing I'm only feeling now is a total loss of dignity. Oh no - there's the pressure you were talking about - got it! thanks."
Doc: "Another turn coming up."
Me: "Oh - I hope you find my car keys."
Assistant: "Be careful. I wouldn't make him laugh. He's holding the probe."
Me: "I'm aware of that, unfortunately."

Me: "What's that?"
Doc: "What's what?"
Me: "You just went by it. It was on the wall on the right."
Doc: (backing up the scope) "That?"
Me: "ya - that"
Doc: "oh - just a little bit of feces."
Me: (abashed and mortified) "oh my god I am SO embarrassed!"
Assistant: "it's okay - we see it all the time."
Me: "ya - but not MINE - I worked really hard to get that all out."
Doc: "Don't beat yourself up - your colon is very clean"
Me: "Thanks Doc. You don't know how happy that makes me."

Then it hit me... I realized what the Deja Vu was all about. The whole colon show reminded me of the "3D Maze (OpenGL)" Screen Saver that has been standard in all windows operating systems since Windows 3.1.1.

Me: "Do you realize that you are sitting on a GOLDMINE?"
Doc: "What?"
Me: "Screen Savers!!! You can send people home with myColon.SCR on a diskette and charge them 20 or 30 bucks a pop. You could be rich. Although I have the technological know how, I am not in any position to do this because I am not licensed in rectal photography"
Assistant: "Remember. He's holding the probe."
Me: "Understood - but he's also holding the key to retiring early in the Bahamas."

Part 4 - Deflation

Okay - nothing prepared me for this, other than some knowing passing comments I was overhearing from the recovery nurses. This was an unexpected pleasure. The grand finale. The icing on the cake! I was told that I "will probably experience some flatulence". I told them I was very happy to hear that.

For some reason, they schedule all their colonoscopies together, I think it must have something to do with the recovery room and the flatulence. I was wheeled to "Bay 2". There was another "recovering patient" in "Bay 1". We were completely obscured from each other by a curtain. His wife was accompanying him. Mine was nowhere to be found. He was a little further along down the road to recovery than I, and he was preparing his wife;

Him: "Okay hon, any second now."
Her: "Shh... Quiet... there are other patients in the room."
Me: "No problem over here... let her rip."
Her: "I think I'm going to have to leave."
Him: "No - don't - You have to stay here for this"
Me: "Don't worry - I'm here - I'll vouch for you".

Just then he starts tearing 'em off - one after another. Something about it brought mine on very abruptly. Perhaps there's such a thing as sympathetic farting? His wife was still embarrassed about the whole thing and said "That's it. I'm leaving". She walked by, laughing, embarrassed and looked over at me just as I hoisted up my leg and blasted my first of many directly at her. Then I yelled "I FART in your general direction" (Quoting the old Monty Python passage). She laughed, he started laughing, pandemonium ensued for the next 20 minutes. Both recovery nurses agreed that there was a "chemistry" that they don't see often, and made a point to introduce me to my brethren. We were wheeled up to each other, and shook hands.

Him: "Glad to finally meet you".
Me: "I feel like we've known each other for years."
Him: "We've been through a lot together. Hope to see you here next time!"
Me: "I look forward to it".

A colonoscopy is not as bad as it sounds. Have one early. Have them often. It could save your life.

Steve Murphy